Also known as: DADT, don't ask don't tell
Heightened riskWhat is Don't ask, don't tell?
Don't ask, don't tell is a negotiated relationship style used by some consensually non-monogamous adults. The core idea is that partners may have outside relationships or encounters, but they agree not to seek, offer, or require ongoing details about them. This can feel easier for people who want non-monogamy with a strong privacy boundary, or who know that too much information feeds comparison or anxiety. It is not a shortcut around communication: couples still need explicit agreements about consent, safer sex, testing, time management, emotional limits, and whether certain events must be disclosed. A well-made DADT agreement is specific, revisable, and honest about what each person does and does not want to know.
What it is distinct from
Not the same as secrecy or cheating: DADT is a mutual agreement between consenting adults. It also differs from polyamory styles that emphasize full disclosure, shared scheduling, or metamour communication.
Common variations and contexts
- A 'no details' agreement, where partners may only disclose that an outside connection happened.
- A limited-disclosure version, where practical information like schedule changes or safer-sex concerns must still be shared.
- A privacy-based non-monogamy arrangement used by people who do not want metamour contact or relationship debriefs.
- Sometimes used as a temporary arrangement while a couple transitions into broader consensual non-monogamy.
Why people may explore it
People may choose DADT to preserve privacy, reduce jealousy spirals, avoid comparison, keep work or social worlds separate, or make non-monogamy feel manageable when they are not ready for more open sharing.
Consent and communication
Everyone affected must agree to the information limits in advance. Consent should cover what may happen outside the relationship, what must still be disclosed, how sexual health information is handled, whether safer sex barriers are required, and how either partner can revise or end the agreement. No one should be coerced into 'not asking' if they actually need information to feel safe. If there are multiple partners, each person deserves informed, voluntary agreements that apply to them.
Words someone might use
'I’m open to outside connections, but I don’t want play-by-play details.' 'What do we each need to know for consent and sexual health, and what can stay private?' 'If something changes that affects our safety or agreements, I want us to tell each other.'
Safety and risk awareness
The main risks are secrecy, mismatched expectations, STI exposure, emotional fallout, and the agreement becoming a way to avoid accountability. Safer practice means discussing testing, barriers, pregnancy risk, time commitments, and what counts as a necessary disclosure. Because privacy can be overused to hide harm, DADT should never prevent someone from asking for needed safety information or ending the arrangement. If communication consistently feels shut down, the structure may not be serving consent or trust.
Aftercare and follow-up
Aftercare here is more relational than physical: check in about how the agreement is working, whether anyone feels left out or anxious, and whether the privacy level still feels fair. Revisit the agreement after new partners, a health change, a jealousy spike, or any breach of trust. A good follow-up question is, 'What do we need to feel informed enough, safe enough, and respected enough going forward?'
Common misconceptions or contested usage
A common misconception is that DADT means 'I can do whatever I want and you shouldn’t care.' In healthy use, it is a negotiated boundary, not a license for dishonesty. Another contested issue is that some people use the term to describe a very broad range of privacy levels, from minimal disclosure to near-total secrecy, so it helps to define exactly what is and is not shared. It is also distinct from cheating: cheating breaks the agreement, while DADT only exists when both adults consent to the privacy rules.
Sources and further reading
- Planned Parenthood: Sexual Consent — Clear overview of consent as informed, voluntary, and revisable—useful for any relationship agreement.
- NCSF Consent Counts — Consent-focused resource that includes best practices relevant to kink and consensual non-monogamy.
- NCSF Resources — Collection of educational materials on consent, non-monogamy, and related legal and community topics.
- More Than Two Polyamory Glossary — Helpful for understanding relationship structure terms and how DADT differs from other non-monogamy models.
- Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist — Practical communication and readiness framework for people deciding what they are and are not ready to negotiate.
Editorial note: This entry was prepared and maintained by the Orgasmaphoria editorial team. It is educational, applies only to consenting adults, and is not an instruction manual or medical guidance. No specialist credential is claimed unless a named qualified reviewer is explicitly shown.
Last reviewed July 28, 2026
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